Life of a panda

idk what to really describe or say.. and u know thats the problem i hate about myself i never know anything

i never know how to react

i never know how to hide

i never know how to show

how to speak

how to feel

how to explain

i dont know shit about myself

and thats sad… i realize that now… after

seeing that the one think i want to do is make ppl happy

but i cant even do that because i always fuck everything up all the fucken time!!!

last night was a very enjoyable time who wouldnt have fun with alcohol lol its always a good time expecially when u have good ppl to spend it with but the effects and the after result is what fucks everything up

last night a subject came up that wasnt suppost to come up… and before i could say anything people around me did things that they shouldnt of have done… now im so lost in toughts  i cant wait to go back home… this whole trip was a mistake.. all these times i come down here its all been a mistake … i know were i live.. and i will stay there.. from now on… intill i really leave to utah… fuck all this expectations and all the feelings and all the crap . 500 days of summer showed me something that i needed to remember that guy doesnt get the girl that hes looking for they never do  that the girl will find them hopefully one day if not that poor sucker of a guy like me will end up alone and die in a death bed at the age of 35-40 because all the looks forward to is a pack or two of cigaretts and a big bottle of vodka

there are times were you just dont know what to think or do.. and when u dont have an options ur friends take over and do what u needed to do long ago…

tonight was no exception… it was a fun night hanging with the brothers which i hadnt really hanged out with in a long time so it was all fun.. but they all saw me .. with a face like if something was wrong…. before i knew it shots had been servered and tales were being told.. and shot after shot truths were told.. and tonight.. things were said.. not by me but by another .. that hurt someone else.. this shouldnt of happend… now idk what to do.. today in all has been a mess… its horrible.. yes i vented sorta not really to the girl i dreamed about over and over.. but nothing.. the vent ended fast because of my friend who interupted… and then my friends made shit even worse.. fuck idk what to do any more… long talks with barcadi and jager are fun.. but fuck… i need more in this life… i need more exitement i need more liberations… and for a long time i though u were that… i still do … but…. idk if u are.. or not.. maybe thats why i could stop thinking of you….because i envy you style ur self being… your an amazing person who has her own unique personality… thats why i might be so attracted to you.. but now… idk … u say that friend ship between us two shouldnt be… and i desagree i rather hold every feeling inside an act like nothing happend than to lose a real  close friend like you and you know who u are and if you dont … u will because ur the only person who calls me panda and i call  u phil…

i said once that i would wait for you a year or two… what i should of said .. is that i will be there for as long as you need me.. i should be the way i am … i should be jealous.. i shouldnt be angry… your still young.. and u need to adventurise urself and have experiences .. as i did … so to you phil… i think what i needed was today… thats what i needed… because i know i have feelings for you and they will never go away.. but i know that ill be ok from this point on to at least talk to u and see you

i think are friend ship is worth alot mroe than my feelings for you

so im sorry i hope u read this….

Lol heres that picture i told ya about lol :3 ^_^!

Lol what did i tell ya :3 my pj pants are the same colors as my curtains!!! lols

OMG !!! ITS SO TRUE!!!! there the same colors GASP!!!!

I know :3 so cool huh!!!!   -smiles-

:] lol i hope u enjoyed ur message phil XD!!!!

I hope it was creative enough for ya XD

Determined!!!! says:
so best of luck for you david!! and dont give up!! be determined for no one but u!! no one is holding you back any more your on your own but not alone! We will always be here for you when you need us.
JDM-Panda says:
out of everyone i think you just gave me the best advice … thank you
Determined!!!! says:
any time :]

I say im gonna stop tumblring because it starts getting kinda slow and lame.. but before i know it im back on WTF IS UP WITH ME LOL …. but idk i guess i just couldnt find another place to express myself… or maybe i was just to lazy to care so im just gonna continue tumblring … sorry to thouse who i said i stoped i lied…. i cant stop…. this is an addiction… FUCK! lol